Two Important Questions

The Dude got out of the shower tonight and while still wrapped in his towel appeared next to me and said:

"Mom, two important questions; Is it actually possible to cut off your butt and where exactly is your liver located?"

I looked at him quite sideways and said, "Kid, what the hell were you doing in that shower?"

"Never mind, I don't think I want to know."

Where Babies Come From

The Dude (10 years old) was telling me how excited he is to have a little brother coming this spring. We were driving to Walgreens and I was mumbling something like, "Yeah it's going to be really fun. Just think, now there will be a little brother to irritate YOUR little brother." That remark made him smile from ear to ear. Like I just delivered the best news he'd ever heard!

I was flipping through the tracks on the cd and spacing out thinking on all the things I had to do the next day... when he asked very directly, "Mom, where do babies come from?"

I froze. Well, shit. I wasn't exactly prepared for this. In my naive mind I was thinking he'd remain young, innocent and naive.. and live at home until he was 30 and had his PhD.

So, with anxiety and apprehension in my voice I asked him, "Well, what do you mean 'where' do they come from... specifically?"

He replied, "Like, I know sometimes they cut them out of your stomach. But if they don't cut them out, where do they come out of?".....

Crap, crap, crap. "Um......" (followed by perpetual silence)He swiftly interrupted: "Mom, it's ok. You can just tell me. Are you afraid to tell me, cuz I think I already know..... They come out of your butt, don't they?"

I couldn't decide whether to laugh hysterically, cry or what. I didn't want to embarrass him and it is a serious subject (a lot more serious when someone far more mature than me is addressing it)...

But after much contemplation, I said, "Well, pretty much. It's not technically a woman's butt where they come from. You know how boys have one part and girls have another- and the part I'm talking about is the part that separates the boys from the girls?"

I could see the wheels turning and then suddenly grinding to a halt in his mind and he said, "Ooohhhhhh.... I get it now. OH GOD THAT'S ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. HOW DOES A BABY EVEN FIT? I MEAN AREN'T BABIES THE SIZE OF A WATERMELON!!"

He didn't ask me to explain the art of creating a baby. I think he was in such a state of shock that he either forgot to ask how they're made or he just decided it wasn't something he wanted to hear about. Either way, thank you. Yay God.

Space Camp

It's Friday afternoon and I am at Space Camp (ok not literally)

I am sitting at my very unimportant desk job making entirely too much money for what I do and I am bored to death. I don't want to be here. And while I'm on it, it's not just today. It's every day.

Most days I take my dear sweet time getting my butt out of bed and getting ready for work. Then I pull into the parking lot and glare at the building with sleepy, resentful eyes. I say out loud to myself, "I cannot go in there today". It's like slow death... by butterknife. And before anyone comes off with it, I KNOW I should be thankful I have a job in current economic times, that there are millions of people who can't get a job, etc. I never said I'm ungrateful or unappreciative.. I recognize that I am in a much better place than a lot of people.

But I hate this job. I suppose part of this stems from the fact that since the fourth grade I thought I would be a Special Agent with the DEA. Working for one of the country's largest marketing firms doesn't exactly compare. I spent years preparing myself for what I thought would be a career of my dreams. I took nine years of Spanish so I could become fluent. I joined the Police Explorer Post at age fourteen. I was a good kid who stayed out of trouble and kept my nose clean.

I started working at age fourteen at a car wash and then when I turned fifteen I was the burger girl at Burger Thing. Plowed through school and graduated early at seventeen. Moved the hell out and went straight into a full time job at the exact same company I am working for now... FOURTEEN YEARS LATER.

Hindsight is 20/20. I know I let my own stubborn ass lead me to where I am now. I'm also honest enough to admit that even with excellent strategic planning, life happened. There is some truth to "having the world by the tail", but I let myself get comfortable and I let myself find excuses.

I had the chance to become a dispatcher when I was quite young and I decided that working rotating shifts was a lot different than my existing job which was a straight day gig with weekends off. I was a total moron. Then I was offered a job traveling all over Central and South America putting my awesome Spanish skills to use and like an idiot I let my insecurities get the best of me and decided to pass it up.

Here I am in damn near middle age and I feel like I can't even tell you what I'm about. What I'm good at, what I like, what I want, etc. I'm a freaking mess. I'm kicking myself. I played it "safe" and it's the biggest regret of my life.

The one thing I can say is that through all of this I found the hubs, we had The Dude and Mr. Pants and they are truly the biggest representation of who and what I am. I love my family and I would never be able to go on without them. Now I look at my kids and realize I am SO totally NOT the example for them I thought I would be when they were just hypothetical beings.

I think I need a reset button.