Monday, March 26, 2012

Run For It

I'm having one of those days where I could just chuck my phone out the window and make a run for the border.  I am so crabby and pissed off today it isn't anywhere close to funny.

Yes, it's another day in blissdom.  Today marks the start of 12 hour dayshifts for a month.  That's one good thing, I suppose, in a whole mess of b.s.

I'm having issues.  Major issues today, and really the past couple of days.

We are supposed to be going out of state for a big music deal for the kids in a few weeks.  We go every year.  I started reminding hubs about it months ago so he could put in for the time off (it's only one weekend).  Back at the beginning of the year he told me he put in for it in writing, but with the switch to the new systems and the 12 hour shifts, they also had to put in for it electronically.  -Um, so?

Now that the date is quickly approaching, he keeps telling me he isn't sure if he is going to get the time off or not because he hasn't heard back from his Sgt.  Now, I know I am probably being a major bitch.  I do that very well, sometimes.  BUT- what I'm really miffed about is the fact that he is so ho-hum about it... like he doesn't give a sh*t. 

Something deeeeep down is really bothering me about it.  Like he'd rather have that whole weekend to himself while I travel out of town with three small children and manage all of them during one of the biggest music events in the country.  And then... it all just honestly brings me back to days of yore.  You know, the ones when he was cheating on me?  Yeah. 

Even though that was a loooong time ago, and even though things have been better than good between us for many years now, I cannot help but get angry and insecure when he acts like this.  Or maybe I should say, when something like this pops up.

What set me off was the tone in his voice on the phone today when I asked him if he had checked with the Sgt.  In what sounded like a total bullsh*t answer, he told me the Sgt. is in court the rest of the afternoon.  To boot, he just acted irritated at the very idea of having to go with me/us out of town.  He made it a big deal that he had 8 car break-ins a couple of hours ago (which I am sure is a pain in the butt), but that doesn't give him the right to talk like an ass to me.

It probably isn't helping that I am sick as hell with what feels like pneumonia, the baby won't stop crying today and I've got kids that require me to be in two different places at the same time this evening.. and we will get home just in time for hubs to miss ALL of the responsibility.

Yes, I am feeling angry and frustrated... resentful, pissed off, etc.  If I didn't blog about it, I think I'd end up going into hiding or something. 

Gotta go pick up the baby again. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

What It Is?

I am so ready for tomorrow to get here.  My best friend and her hubby are coming in town from across the state.  My kids will finally have someone to bug besides me!  I will have another adult to talk to!  Her hubby will be riding with my hubby at work.. this should be interesting :).

Hubs has been totally rocking it at work.. locking up crazy bitches who shoot at ex-boyfriends, runs over the new girlfriend, takes out telephone poles.  He's gotten a lot of guns and drugs this week and has worked two arsons.  Coolio.  Me.. This past week has sucked the life out of me.  What did I do with my copious amounts of free time?  Ahem.. let me tell you.

I have dealt with homeowner's insurance people, insurance adjusters, roof people, waterproof people... the list goes on.  We moved across town a while back into a bigger place as a temporary thing.  We have kept our "old" house with the intention of building onto it and moving back.  It's where our kids were born - call us sentimental. 

We had some intense storms and tornadoes here last month and with that our roof was ruined.  I learned this week that what I thought would be a simple, common process is NOT simple at all.  I learned that thinking of a figure in my head to cover all necessary expenses was stupid.. because the actual amount required for just ONE of the necessary projects turned out to be SIX times more expensive than that little figure I had in my head.  Holy shizz!

We had water damage as well, which revealed an ages old mold problem we never knew we had - which came from the previous owner who flat LIED to us about it apparently.  Ugh.. I hate to even write about all of it.  This week has been a $10,000 week.  And it's only Wednesday. 

I am certain that God hates me.  No, really.  I'm not looking for cute reassurance.  That's not a question there.  That's a statement.  He hates me.  For real.

Not sure what I did, but it sure would be nice if life could just back off with the crap sandwiches for a bit.  I'm starting to understand why people go postal.  Clearly some powers that be like to see me live on the edge.  I keep looking for the candid camera, or thinking I'm on punk'd. 

Please baby Jesus.  Give me a break- before I break!!!

I have a bottle of strawberry stoli, a case of 7-up and a best friend who's on her way.  I think things are about to turn the corner.

Hoping the hubs has a good night at work because he sure was a crabass this morning!!  Whew.

End woe-is-me rant.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Do I or Don't I?

The time is upon us... erm, wait.  How do I begin this post?

Quinn is almost 10 months old.  He is adorable.  He is fun.  He is so stinking lovable.  He is amazing.  He is wonderful.  All three of our boys are wonderful.

Hubs is dying to have another (actually another *several*).  I, in so many ways, LOVE this idea.  But that's the thing.  Do I understand the reality of this?  I came to terms with the fact that going from 2 children to 3 children was the biggest adjustment of my life.  Some days I think "I've got my hands full already, so, meh, what the hell?".  Other days I think things like, "I am getting wayyy too old for this.  Physically it's harder, emotionally it's harder to do by myself and sleep is far more precious now than in my younger days!"  And quite frankly, plenty of days I actually say to myself, "Wow, what a failure (sort of jokingly) I am today.  I suck at this!"

Hubs gets so frustrated when I share the bad stuff with him and he gently reminds me that raising kids and managing a house is hard to do alone, even with only one child.  He reminds me that he is proud of me, that he appreciates me, and that above all, the kids and I are the most important things in his life.  We are his greatest source of joy.  I like this part because then he starts listing off the things I never think he notices or cares much about (like always making sure there is food in the crockpot for him at any given hour, I make sure he has clean drawers ;), etc.)

He also takes time to point out how rotten our children are sometimes and highlights the fact that I have more grace than I give myself credit for.  He tells me to stop blaming myself for the hundreds of things the kids do on any given day that cause frustration.  He tells me I am not a bad mom, that kids are a challenge and especially when they know how to wear a person down until they have no fight left to be the enforcer and daddy's not home!

All of these conversations help me love him more, but especially help me love myself more.  I genuinely love being a mother.  Not to go psychological here, but I never got to have a close relationship with my mother.  My parents divorced when I was 5 and I was raised by a single dad, until he died when I was 14.  I never got to have a morning where I woke up and my parents were in the kitchen making breakfast.. or looking into the crowd at one of my sporting events to see both of my parents cheering me on, together.  I don't even have to go into the holidays and how I don't have a single memory of a Christmas or Thanksgiving with both parents.  I'm sure I sound like a million other people in the world, but to me, I promised myself that I would create those memories for my kids.  I also vowed that my family would be my number one priority in life.  I know I will never be rich, but know that my life will be fulfilled by the years of memories with my husband and children.

I became a mother at 22.  If I had another baby-RIGHT NOW-I would have raised a child at home, under my roof, for THIRTY YEARS by the time the new baby graduated high school.  Sometimes I worry that there would never again be "alone time" for the hubs and me.  There again, we don't have that anyway with his schedule and the children we already have! 

I know that my children have caused more self-realization and self-reflection than anything else I have ever experienced.  I love them for that.  Although it doesn't seem like it on an average basis, I know they make me a better person and help me find more love than I ever knew I had in me.  When I think about the fact that the ability to have more babies is diminishing more quickly than I care to acknowledge, it makes me stop and ask myself; "Would I be ok with it if I COULDN'T have another?"

Guess it's time to talk to big man.  (And no, I don't mean the hubs!)