Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Waiting for hubs to get home. I know I vent a lot on this blog. I used to post a lot of really great things and happy stuff. As much as I sound miserable, I am happy in here somewhere :)

So, with all the boys in bed I sat on the couch and thought.. just thought about hubs and us and times gone by. Here are some of the things I was thinking about. Enjoy.

I love that hubs will lie next to me pretending he's asleep and as soon as I close my eyes, I can quickly open them to find him looking at me with a little grin. Just admiring me (is there really something left to admire?)

When he calls me on his way home from work, he asks me if I'm "watching our show". Our show happens to be MY show.. a SOAP OPERA. I find it totally hilarious that as humiliating as it is for him to admit it, he is totally hooked and refuses to go more than a couple of days without pulling it up on the dvr. Cute. I know it's just because he thinks the one chic is pretty smokin'.

I love that I can kick him right in that side part of your shin that hurts like hell, right on the pressure point, and he will instantly know that means "get up and bring me the crying baby" in the middle of the night. I don't even have to say a word. He stumbles in to get him and brings him to me.

I think it's really hot that he wrestles me when I try to play hard to get when I'm tired and crabby.

I like that he forgives what I can only refer to as my "Kate Gosselin moments". Ok I'm not nearly as vile as that woman, even on my worst day. But I do admit to being pretty bossy now and again. There is a specific way things have to run and that way is 99% my way. Not because I'm a control freak per se, but because he isn't HERE most of the time so I have to keep order. He understands that and loves me anyway.

Our humor is what I think keeps us going. We are able to poke fun and joke with each other. We may not say "I love you" as much as we should, but he says to me, "Thanks for not divorcing me" and I say in return "Not yet anyway". Then we both chuckle and he smacks me on the rear.

Sometimes I want to throw something at him, or change the locks. But, at the end of the day most days I love him even more.

Here is something read at our wedding ceremony: The Art of a Good Marriage by Wilferd Arlan Peterson

The little things are the big things
It is never being too old to hold hands
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day
It is never going to sleep angry

It is never taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon,
it should continue through all the years

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives
It is standing together facing the world
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family

It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an angel.

It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is finding room for things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.

It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Little Less Bitchy

Just for you ML :). Thanks for the advice... so here is a post that puts a smile on my face.

First, my bro just got hired on at my father in law's department!! It's a $12,000 a year pay increase, better benefits and, well, a better department! I'm so proud of him and happy for him. As I like to put it, from the hood to the burbs will be a nice change!! Woo hoo.

Secondly, I survived middle school orientation with three kids in tow. I think I left my sanity at the door, but we made it out alive. I'm so not emotionally ready for my son to start middle school. I actually WANT my son to be innocent and naive and all of those things.. but times are different. When I got a glimpse of the female P.E. uniforms I nearly fell out. I didn't know a 2 inch inseam was appropriate for 11 year old girls. Wow. Ok.

Which makes me feel compelled to share with you a real live conversation from my shopping trip for school supplies. God's honest truth.... from the two ladies walking behind us:

"MMM MM MM.. she is so blessed. 3 boys!"
"Girl you know that's right.. Lord knows this world is full of waayyyy too many skeezas! She is bringin' us the men we neeeeed!"

The Dude turned to me and asked, "Mom, what's a skeezer?".

Ah the joys of motherhood. :)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Ugh.. I am so displeased. Yep, sorry to start this post off so negative. Mr. Baby is now 11 weeks old.. Jesus where does time go? I spent 4 out of these 11 weeks with hubs on mids, which SUCKED. Two kids who cry at bedtime because daddy is leaving for work and then all night with a newborn, then ALL day with two older kids while hubs tries to sleep.

But what I'm displeased with is myself. I have had no grace whatsoever these past few weeks. Sleep deprivation, stress (more on that later) and loneliness. It all got the best of me and spilled over last night.

Hubs is on noons now, which makes life, erm, somewhat easier. However, I am an idiot and I bought him an x-box for father's day in May (PRE-baby arrival). Yeah, well I've been going through this thing where whenever I want to actually spend time with hubs home and conscious, he is too tired to enjoy or be enjoyable, either one. But, BUT, if I fall asleep on the couch mid-sentence, he doesn't prod me to get up and come to bed. Nope. He leaves me on the couch and goes downstairs and plays the damn x-box... until 4a.m..... until he's so tired that he stumbled back upstairs, wakes up the baby and then tells me he's too tired to help me. Then the morning hours while he's actually home and 'available' to do something with me and our kids who miss him, he's zonked and snoozing.

So, last night I pretended to be asleep on the couch after a bit of him being home from work. Sure enough, he crept downstairs and played stupid x-box until 4am. When he crept back upstairs to the couch, where he was no doubt going to pretend he'd been the whole night, I let him fall asleep there. And a good 15 minutes into his slumber I grabbed him by the ankles and pulled him off the couch and yelled, "Wake your ass up... you woke me up, now the baby is up and if we can't sleep, neither can you!". I was a real b****. I hadn't meant to go that far, but something sorta.. erm, snapped?

He got up and helped me get the baby back to sleep.. then I tore him up one side and down the other for a good hour. I half yelled, half cried.. mostly sounded crazy, but all made sense. Yeah, it was bad.

Why, might you ask, was I such a raging loony? Well, several reasons. Wayyyy back in the day my prince charming had a minor indiscretion. And we happened to run into that minor indiscretion out in public recently... where she proceeded to look directly at him and say to him, "Hi, it's so nice to see you", RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Thank God and sonny Jesus my brother was there to physically restrain me. Hubs had what I would consider to be his first shining moment when it came to handling her, and told her not to ever speak to him again. So that helped in that moment.. a little anyway. I suppose I've been stewing a bit and the fact that I'm still trying to shed 15 extra pounds of baby weight doesn't help my confidence. Plus, I took his recent actions with the x-box to be a sign of disinterest in me, our family and our life in general. I told him that he doesn't realize that we all literally sit around waiting for him to be available. And when he becomes available, we'd really like to be penciled in.

It also doesn't help that the civil suit is set for a September trial, but things are in the works to settle without a trial. Pros- no more media, plus gag order, plus SCREW them. Cons- they want money and while we can throw a stupid amount of money their way, it's money that takes away from our future and our kids' futures. That has both of us very peeved and while we are definitely a united front, we are both just beaten down.

Every GOOD thing in life has been overshadowed by all of this legal b.s. It's sooooo exhausting and I'm honestly just ready to get it over with.

Lastly, while I'm telling you this "It's A Wonderful Life" tale, we were tipped off that the local media is going to do a spread on hubs and how he's such a horrible guy that they can't believe he's working as a police officer again. They contacted his Chief and asked him to confirm hubs is an officer at his department. The good news is, the Chief used to be a supervisor on hubs platoon at his old department before he came here. They have a long working history and the Chief prepared a kick ass statement backing up hubs.

I'm glum and self-loathing. Yes, I do sound like a miserable person because lately I AM a miserable person. And after feeling so good about unloading on hubs and his selfishness, I realized, darn. The poor guy is just trying to do something for himself and I just ripped him a new one.

I keep praying for strength and faith and perseverance. I don't want to understand, I just want to get through all of this. I know that's incomplete thinking, but I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.