I am so ready for tomorrow to get here. My best friend and her hubby are coming in town from across the state. My kids will finally have someone to bug besides me! I will have another adult to talk to! Her hubby will be riding with my hubby at work.. this should be interesting :).
Hubs has been totally rocking it at work.. locking up crazy bitches who shoot at ex-boyfriends, runs over the new girlfriend, takes out telephone poles. He's gotten a lot of guns and drugs this week and has worked two arsons. Coolio. Me.. This past week has sucked the life out of me. What did I do with my copious amounts of free time? Ahem.. let me tell you.
I have dealt with homeowner's insurance people, insurance adjusters, roof people, waterproof people... the list goes on. We moved across town a while back into a bigger place as a temporary thing. We have kept our "old" house with the intention of building onto it and moving back. It's where our kids were born - call us sentimental.
We had some intense storms and tornadoes here last month and with that our roof was ruined. I learned this week that what I thought would be a simple, common process is NOT simple at all. I learned that thinking of a figure in my head to cover all necessary expenses was stupid.. because the actual amount required for just ONE of the necessary projects turned out to be SIX times more expensive than that little figure I had in my head. Holy shizz!
We had water damage as well, which revealed an ages old mold problem we never knew we had - which came from the previous owner who flat LIED to us about it apparently. Ugh.. I hate to even write about all of it. This week has been a $10,000 week. And it's only Wednesday.
I am certain that God hates me. No, really. I'm not looking for cute reassurance. That's not a question there. That's a statement. He hates me. For real.
Not sure what I did, but it sure would be nice if life could just back off with the crap sandwiches for a bit. I'm starting to understand why people go postal. Clearly some powers that be like to see me live on the edge. I keep looking for the candid camera, or thinking I'm on punk'd.
Please baby Jesus. Give me a break- before I break!!!
I have a bottle of strawberry stoli, a case of 7-up and a best friend who's on her way. I think things are about to turn the corner.
Hoping the hubs has a good night at work because he sure was a crabass this morning!! Whew.
End woe-is-me rant.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Do I or Don't I?
The time is upon us... erm, wait. How do I begin this post?
Quinn is almost 10 months old. He is adorable. He is fun. He is so stinking lovable. He is amazing. He is wonderful. All three of our boys are wonderful.
Hubs is dying to have another (actually another *several*). I, in so many ways, LOVE this idea. But that's the thing. Do I understand the reality of this? I came to terms with the fact that going from 2 children to 3 children was the biggest adjustment of my life. Some days I think "I've got my hands full already, so, meh, what the hell?". Other days I think things like, "I am getting wayyy too old for this. Physically it's harder, emotionally it's harder to do by myself and sleep is far more precious now than in my younger days!" And quite frankly, plenty of days I actually say to myself, "Wow, what a failure (sort of jokingly) I am today. I suck at this!"
Hubs gets so frustrated when I share the bad stuff with him and he gently reminds me that raising kids and managing a house is hard to do alone, even with only one child. He reminds me that he is proud of me, that he appreciates me, and that above all, the kids and I are the most important things in his life. We are his greatest source of joy. I like this part because then he starts listing off the things I never think he notices or cares much about (like always making sure there is food in the crockpot for him at any given hour, I make sure he has clean drawers ;), etc.)
He also takes time to point out how rotten our children are sometimes and highlights the fact that I have more grace than I give myself credit for. He tells me to stop blaming myself for the hundreds of things the kids do on any given day that cause frustration. He tells me I am not a bad mom, that kids are a challenge and especially when they know how to wear a person down until they have no fight left to be the enforcer and daddy's not home!
All of these conversations help me love him more, but especially help me love myself more. I genuinely love being a mother. Not to go psychological here, but I never got to have a close relationship with my mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I was raised by a single dad, until he died when I was 14. I never got to have a morning where I woke up and my parents were in the kitchen making breakfast.. or looking into the crowd at one of my sporting events to see both of my parents cheering me on, together. I don't even have to go into the holidays and how I don't have a single memory of a Christmas or Thanksgiving with both parents. I'm sure I sound like a million other people in the world, but to me, I promised myself that I would create those memories for my kids. I also vowed that my family would be my number one priority in life. I know I will never be rich, but know that my life will be fulfilled by the years of memories with my husband and children.
I became a mother at 22. If I had another baby-RIGHT NOW-I would have raised a child at home, under my roof, for THIRTY YEARS by the time the new baby graduated high school. Sometimes I worry that there would never again be "alone time" for the hubs and me. There again, we don't have that anyway with his schedule and the children we already have!
I know that my children have caused more self-realization and self-reflection than anything else I have ever experienced. I love them for that. Although it doesn't seem like it on an average basis, I know they make me a better person and help me find more love than I ever knew I had in me. When I think about the fact that the ability to have more babies is diminishing more quickly than I care to acknowledge, it makes me stop and ask myself; "Would I be ok with it if I COULDN'T have another?"
Guess it's time to talk to big man. (And no, I don't mean the hubs!)
Quinn is almost 10 months old. He is adorable. He is fun. He is so stinking lovable. He is amazing. He is wonderful. All three of our boys are wonderful.
Hubs is dying to have another (actually another *several*). I, in so many ways, LOVE this idea. But that's the thing. Do I understand the reality of this? I came to terms with the fact that going from 2 children to 3 children was the biggest adjustment of my life. Some days I think "I've got my hands full already, so, meh, what the hell?". Other days I think things like, "I am getting wayyy too old for this. Physically it's harder, emotionally it's harder to do by myself and sleep is far more precious now than in my younger days!" And quite frankly, plenty of days I actually say to myself, "Wow, what a failure (sort of jokingly) I am today. I suck at this!"
Hubs gets so frustrated when I share the bad stuff with him and he gently reminds me that raising kids and managing a house is hard to do alone, even with only one child. He reminds me that he is proud of me, that he appreciates me, and that above all, the kids and I are the most important things in his life. We are his greatest source of joy. I like this part because then he starts listing off the things I never think he notices or cares much about (like always making sure there is food in the crockpot for him at any given hour, I make sure he has clean drawers ;), etc.)
He also takes time to point out how rotten our children are sometimes and highlights the fact that I have more grace than I give myself credit for. He tells me to stop blaming myself for the hundreds of things the kids do on any given day that cause frustration. He tells me I am not a bad mom, that kids are a challenge and especially when they know how to wear a person down until they have no fight left to be the enforcer and daddy's not home!
All of these conversations help me love him more, but especially help me love myself more. I genuinely love being a mother. Not to go psychological here, but I never got to have a close relationship with my mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I was raised by a single dad, until he died when I was 14. I never got to have a morning where I woke up and my parents were in the kitchen making breakfast.. or looking into the crowd at one of my sporting events to see both of my parents cheering me on, together. I don't even have to go into the holidays and how I don't have a single memory of a Christmas or Thanksgiving with both parents. I'm sure I sound like a million other people in the world, but to me, I promised myself that I would create those memories for my kids. I also vowed that my family would be my number one priority in life. I know I will never be rich, but know that my life will be fulfilled by the years of memories with my husband and children.
I became a mother at 22. If I had another baby-RIGHT NOW-I would have raised a child at home, under my roof, for THIRTY YEARS by the time the new baby graduated high school. Sometimes I worry that there would never again be "alone time" for the hubs and me. There again, we don't have that anyway with his schedule and the children we already have!
I know that my children have caused more self-realization and self-reflection than anything else I have ever experienced. I love them for that. Although it doesn't seem like it on an average basis, I know they make me a better person and help me find more love than I ever knew I had in me. When I think about the fact that the ability to have more babies is diminishing more quickly than I care to acknowledge, it makes me stop and ask myself; "Would I be ok with it if I COULDN'T have another?"
Guess it's time to talk to big man. (And no, I don't mean the hubs!)
Monday, February 27, 2012
March Midnight Madness
And so it begins... how quickly a month of days flew by. Midnight month is upon us, with tonight being night number 1. I dread this day. We took a nice little vacation over the weekend just to enjoy being a family for three days before the hubs headed to work tonight. It was great being together.
I have tried very hard this past month to put measures in place which will hopefully help me get and/or keep myself together THIS month while I go it alone. I have had serious issues keeping my sh*t together. I thought back on things and realized it mostly started to unravel when Quinn was born in May.
I used to be one of those weirdo women who had everything perfectly mapped out, with planners, schedules, highlighted calendars, tabbed binders with more information than anyone would ever need to retain.. and a steel trap memory to go with all of that. I could tell you what you said during lunch last Tuesday, as well as what you were wearing and what you ate.
I know that is quite overboard, and nobody needs that amount of organization or memory, but- it is very missed now that it is gone. I have found myself struggling to get through ordinary every day stuff without forgetting, overlooking or getting completely distracted. My stress level skyrockets when I get interrupted, which is ALL THE TIME now that I have three boys pulling me three different directions!
We have moved into a house with tons more space, which means I was able to stake an office area for myself. This is helping tremendously as well.
As for managing the house, I have pulled myself together and gotten much more organized as far as getting things where they need to be. I have all of my dorky binders with color-coding and special pocket dividers put back together and organized. I have my meals planned out for the month and most already prepared and frozen, ready to throw in the oven or the crockpot.
It feels soo much better living like this. The challenge will be sticking with it and not getting distracted or interrupted and letting it fall apart again!!
I think the pressure to perform (as lame as that sounds) is definitely a stress factor for me. I would find all this guilt in not doing enough every day. If I made dinner, I'd feel guilty for not paying enough attention to the kids. If I caught up the laundry, I felt like it took too much time away from other things I could've been doing. I would drive myself insane thinking this way. Then the worst part is, I'd wait until all the kids were in bed and THEN try to do EVERYTHING. I'd be awake until 3am, baby would be up at 6, The Dude would be up at 7 and hubs would be home at 7:30... then Mr. Pants would be up and ready for breakfast. I was a zombie and am still catching up on sleep from this madness.
I am trying not to tackle too much each day, just setting the expectation that I can get through two or three things. Hoping this helps overall, but especially during midnights this month. At least the days are getting longer and the sun is shining more. Can't complain about that.
As for my friends, my best friend is coming in from across the state on the 24th! Her hubs is a K9 officer and will be riding with hubs on their first night here. This should be interesting :). I have her visit to look forward to and prepare for these next few weeks!
We WILL survive the 7-7!!!
Hope y'all are hanging in.
I have tried very hard this past month to put measures in place which will hopefully help me get and/or keep myself together THIS month while I go it alone. I have had serious issues keeping my sh*t together. I thought back on things and realized it mostly started to unravel when Quinn was born in May.
I used to be one of those weirdo women who had everything perfectly mapped out, with planners, schedules, highlighted calendars, tabbed binders with more information than anyone would ever need to retain.. and a steel trap memory to go with all of that. I could tell you what you said during lunch last Tuesday, as well as what you were wearing and what you ate.
I know that is quite overboard, and nobody needs that amount of organization or memory, but- it is very missed now that it is gone. I have found myself struggling to get through ordinary every day stuff without forgetting, overlooking or getting completely distracted. My stress level skyrockets when I get interrupted, which is ALL THE TIME now that I have three boys pulling me three different directions!
We have moved into a house with tons more space, which means I was able to stake an office area for myself. This is helping tremendously as well.
As for managing the house, I have pulled myself together and gotten much more organized as far as getting things where they need to be. I have all of my dorky binders with color-coding and special pocket dividers put back together and organized. I have my meals planned out for the month and most already prepared and frozen, ready to throw in the oven or the crockpot.
It feels soo much better living like this. The challenge will be sticking with it and not getting distracted or interrupted and letting it fall apart again!!
I think the pressure to perform (as lame as that sounds) is definitely a stress factor for me. I would find all this guilt in not doing enough every day. If I made dinner, I'd feel guilty for not paying enough attention to the kids. If I caught up the laundry, I felt like it took too much time away from other things I could've been doing. I would drive myself insane thinking this way. Then the worst part is, I'd wait until all the kids were in bed and THEN try to do EVERYTHING. I'd be awake until 3am, baby would be up at 6, The Dude would be up at 7 and hubs would be home at 7:30... then Mr. Pants would be up and ready for breakfast. I was a zombie and am still catching up on sleep from this madness.
I am trying not to tackle too much each day, just setting the expectation that I can get through two or three things. Hoping this helps overall, but especially during midnights this month. At least the days are getting longer and the sun is shining more. Can't complain about that.
As for my friends, my best friend is coming in from across the state on the 24th! Her hubs is a K9 officer and will be riding with hubs on their first night here. This should be interesting :). I have her visit to look forward to and prepare for these next few weeks!
We WILL survive the 7-7!!!
Hope y'all are hanging in.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Jesus Lady (A different lady this time)
Tonight.. sigh... was one of those nights. Hubs was working his 12 hour day shift. All was well. His family all came over to my house to watch the super bowl. It seemed like a nice idea. I love them.
I quickly learned that what seemed like it was going to be great turned out to be rough for me. Why? Hm, let's see. A blaring tv for four hours straight. Everyone trying to yell over the loud tv for four hours straight.
I was trying to cook in the kitchen, watch the baby (who you cannot take your eyes off of) out in the great room, Mr. Pants interrupted me for applesauce six times, the phone ringing, oven timers going off. It was downward spiraling. BUT, I foolishly thought, "Hm, hubs will be leaving work in fifteen minutes so it will be ok.".
And then she died. I didn't know her. Some poor 41 yr old female who was insulin dependent diabetic. She was in bed. Her whole family walked in from getting fried chicken and found she had passed on.
Upon hearing this tragic news, I looked to the heavens and asked, "Couldn't you have waited 15 more minutes?".
Yes, I know I am going to hell. I don't need anyone reminding me.
He made it home an hour late. He ate, chatted with his family until they left - and is currently passed out cold on the floor in front of the fireplace. I should go kick him. Hmmph.
I quickly learned that what seemed like it was going to be great turned out to be rough for me. Why? Hm, let's see. A blaring tv for four hours straight. Everyone trying to yell over the loud tv for four hours straight.
I was trying to cook in the kitchen, watch the baby (who you cannot take your eyes off of) out in the great room, Mr. Pants interrupted me for applesauce six times, the phone ringing, oven timers going off. It was downward spiraling. BUT, I foolishly thought, "Hm, hubs will be leaving work in fifteen minutes so it will be ok.".
And then she died. I didn't know her. Some poor 41 yr old female who was insulin dependent diabetic. She was in bed. Her whole family walked in from getting fried chicken and found she had passed on.
Upon hearing this tragic news, I looked to the heavens and asked, "Couldn't you have waited 15 more minutes?".
Yes, I know I am going to hell. I don't need anyone reminding me.
He made it home an hour late. He ate, chatted with his family until they left - and is currently passed out cold on the floor in front of the fireplace. I should go kick him. Hmmph.
New Toy
Ok so I had to share... new toy! Sig Sauer P238 blue label .380! LOVE IT. Cannot say enough good things about it! Perfect size, perfect everything. I'm in Loooooove! Taking it out tomorrow for some fun :)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Babies eating bananas
I have found there is nothing funnier than my baby eating bananas. Like a real banana, chopped into a million tiny little pieces. He thoroughly enjoyed the taste and texture, but quickly discovered it was far more interesting to squeeze and smash them between his fingers.. and THEN try to put them in his mouth. This = fun for me to watch.
In other news, had a fabulous and much needed weekend of the hubs being off work! We went to dinner with the bro on Friday night and spent the rest of the weekend chilling. The in-laws came over tonight for dinner and they actually liked the dinner I made. This made me happy!
The kids played outside with the neighbor girls, who Mr. Pants lovingly refers to as his "girlfriends".... I was all busy fixing the food for our dinner and happened to glance out and see all of the kids on the hill with a giant hole and a shovel. Is it bad that I cracked the door and yelled, "Where is Mr. Pants?". Once The Dude pointed to him and I was assured Mr. Pants was NOT in the giant hole in the ground, I shut the door and went back to cooking. I really didn't think to ask (until hours later) what the hell they were doing with a shovel and a giant hole. Turns out they were making an animal trap. Hm. Ok. I like that better than video games so it's cool.
So... The kids are in bed, the hubs is here.. I'm going to try to catch a short movie with him before he konks out in front of the fireplace AND before Mr. Pants comes running down the hall with his midnight - drink of water, has to go pee, can't sleep, not tired, hoooooongry, bored, needs to watch a movie-episodes.
Hubs starts 6:30a-6:30p tomorrow. Thank God it's back to the land of the living for a month.
In other news, had a fabulous and much needed weekend of the hubs being off work! We went to dinner with the bro on Friday night and spent the rest of the weekend chilling. The in-laws came over tonight for dinner and they actually liked the dinner I made. This made me happy!
The kids played outside with the neighbor girls, who Mr. Pants lovingly refers to as his "girlfriends".... I was all busy fixing the food for our dinner and happened to glance out and see all of the kids on the hill with a giant hole and a shovel. Is it bad that I cracked the door and yelled, "Where is Mr. Pants?". Once The Dude pointed to him and I was assured Mr. Pants was NOT in the giant hole in the ground, I shut the door and went back to cooking. I really didn't think to ask (until hours later) what the hell they were doing with a shovel and a giant hole. Turns out they were making an animal trap. Hm. Ok. I like that better than video games so it's cool.
So... The kids are in bed, the hubs is here.. I'm going to try to catch a short movie with him before he konks out in front of the fireplace AND before Mr. Pants comes running down the hall with his midnight - drink of water, has to go pee, can't sleep, not tired, hoooooongry, bored, needs to watch a movie-episodes.
Hubs starts 6:30a-6:30p tomorrow. Thank God it's back to the land of the living for a month.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Yeah, OK lady
So I was reading a blog post from a woman who is also a police wife. While I think she makes some very good points almost every post, I was a little surprised by some of the things she said on this one in particular.
She was going on about how our men have the toughest jobs and how hard it is on them and we should just not be b*tches and be more understanding because "what if they don't come home".
And I was practically standing in my chair yelling, "Yes, what IF he doesn't come home". We live every day with that very assumption. If he doesn't come home, I'm going to do exactly what I do now. Everything. By myself. (yes I am very much generalizing)
I think (and just being frank here) there are actually PO wives among us who forget that in many, many, many police marriages, the wife is every damn bit as strong as the husband.
The wife is the one who manages an entire brood, defends her lifestyle and choices to friends and family who may be totally unsupportive, goes it alone day in and day out, cooks, cleans, learns to prepare for a home invasion, knows where the gun or the bat (or both) are located for handling those 'strange noises' in the middle of the night while he's out on duty...
It irritates me when some police wives act as though we aren't supposed to be human beings. It is comparable to a citizen who "doesn't get it" saying - "tough shit - you knew what you were signing up for". I just think it's unfair when people - anyone- acts as though police wives are supposed to go around swearing that life is wonderful every day. Some days it sucks. Period. There is nothing that will make it better.
Sometimes it sucks for a month at a time, or for years at a time if you're going through drama like an investigation, a department shake-up, a lawsuit, etc.
I love hearing opinions, and lots of them; but I do not like someone telling me I don't have the right to feel overwhelmed, sad, disappointed, frustrated or any other perfectly normal human emotion because it might serve as a distraction for my hubs' job.
Things don't suck all the time, but when they do - they do, and it should be ok to say it without someone criticising. Something good old Meadow said once is, "I don't go around worshipping my husband, knitting little badge-shaped slippers and baking cookies for him at 3 in the morning". And God love her, because that is the one mindset I made myself borrow from her.
When my hubs teasingly asked, "Why didn't you call me when I didn't call you on my way home from work tonight?" (as I am half-snoring because it's 3am).. I replied, "Oh, I just figured you were dead."
That's how we roll. Gotta keep it real.
She was going on about how our men have the toughest jobs and how hard it is on them and we should just not be b*tches and be more understanding because "what if they don't come home".
And I was practically standing in my chair yelling, "Yes, what IF he doesn't come home". We live every day with that very assumption. If he doesn't come home, I'm going to do exactly what I do now. Everything. By myself. (yes I am very much generalizing)
I think (and just being frank here) there are actually PO wives among us who forget that in many, many, many police marriages, the wife is every damn bit as strong as the husband.
The wife is the one who manages an entire brood, defends her lifestyle and choices to friends and family who may be totally unsupportive, goes it alone day in and day out, cooks, cleans, learns to prepare for a home invasion, knows where the gun or the bat (or both) are located for handling those 'strange noises' in the middle of the night while he's out on duty...
It irritates me when some police wives act as though we aren't supposed to be human beings. It is comparable to a citizen who "doesn't get it" saying - "tough shit - you knew what you were signing up for". I just think it's unfair when people - anyone- acts as though police wives are supposed to go around swearing that life is wonderful every day. Some days it sucks. Period. There is nothing that will make it better.
Sometimes it sucks for a month at a time, or for years at a time if you're going through drama like an investigation, a department shake-up, a lawsuit, etc.
I love hearing opinions, and lots of them; but I do not like someone telling me I don't have the right to feel overwhelmed, sad, disappointed, frustrated or any other perfectly normal human emotion because it might serve as a distraction for my hubs' job.
Things don't suck all the time, but when they do - they do, and it should be ok to say it without someone criticising. Something good old Meadow said once is, "I don't go around worshipping my husband, knitting little badge-shaped slippers and baking cookies for him at 3 in the morning". And God love her, because that is the one mindset I made myself borrow from her.
When my hubs teasingly asked, "Why didn't you call me when I didn't call you on my way home from work tonight?" (as I am half-snoring because it's 3am).. I replied, "Oh, I just figured you were dead."
That's how we roll. Gotta keep it real.
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