Ugh.. I am so displeased. Yep, sorry to start this post off so negative. Mr. Baby is now 11 weeks old.. Jesus where does time go? I spent 4 out of these 11 weeks with hubs on mids, which SUCKED. Two kids who cry at bedtime because daddy is leaving for work and then all night with a newborn, then ALL day with two older kids while hubs tries to sleep.
But what I'm displeased with is myself. I have had no grace whatsoever these past few weeks. Sleep deprivation, stress (more on that later) and loneliness. It all got the best of me and spilled over last night.
Hubs is on noons now, which makes life, erm, somewhat easier. However, I am an idiot and I bought him an x-box for father's day in May (PRE-baby arrival). Yeah, well I've been going through this thing where whenever I want to actually spend time with hubs home and conscious, he is too tired to enjoy or be enjoyable, either one. But, BUT, if I fall asleep on the couch mid-sentence, he doesn't prod me to get up and come to bed. Nope. He leaves me on the couch and goes downstairs and plays the damn x-box... until 4a.m..... until he's so tired that he stumbled back upstairs, wakes up the baby and then tells me he's too tired to help me. Then the morning hours while he's actually home and 'available' to do something with me and our kids who miss him, he's zonked and snoozing.
So, last night I pretended to be asleep on the couch after a bit of him being home from work. Sure enough, he crept downstairs and played stupid x-box until 4am. When he crept back upstairs to the couch, where he was no doubt going to pretend he'd been the whole night, I let him fall asleep there. And a good 15 minutes into his slumber I grabbed him by the ankles and pulled him off the couch and yelled, "Wake your ass up... you woke me up, now the baby is up and if we can't sleep, neither can you!". I was a real b****. I hadn't meant to go that far, but something sorta.. erm, snapped?
He got up and helped me get the baby back to sleep.. then I tore him up one side and down the other for a good hour. I half yelled, half cried.. mostly sounded crazy, but all made sense. Yeah, it was bad.
Why, might you ask, was I such a raging loony? Well, several reasons. Wayyyy back in the day my prince charming had a minor indiscretion. And we happened to run into that minor indiscretion out in public recently... where she proceeded to look directly at him and say to him, "Hi, it's so nice to see you", RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Thank God and sonny Jesus my brother was there to physically restrain me. Hubs had what I would consider to be his first shining moment when it came to handling her, and told her not to ever speak to him again. So that helped in that moment.. a little anyway. I suppose I've been stewing a bit and the fact that I'm still trying to shed 15 extra pounds of baby weight doesn't help my confidence. Plus, I took his recent actions with the x-box to be a sign of disinterest in me, our family and our life in general. I told him that he doesn't realize that we all literally sit around waiting for him to be available. And when he becomes available, we'd really like to be penciled in.
It also doesn't help that the civil suit is set for a September trial, but things are in the works to settle without a trial. Pros- no more media, plus gag order, plus SCREW them. Cons- they want money and while we can throw a stupid amount of money their way, it's money that takes away from our future and our kids' futures. That has both of us very peeved and while we are definitely a united front, we are both just beaten down.
Every GOOD thing in life has been overshadowed by all of this legal b.s. It's sooooo exhausting and I'm honestly just ready to get it over with.
Lastly, while I'm telling you this "It's A Wonderful Life" tale, we were tipped off that the local media is going to do a spread on hubs and how he's such a horrible guy that they can't believe he's working as a police officer again. They contacted his Chief and asked him to confirm hubs is an officer at his department. The good news is, the Chief used to be a supervisor on hubs platoon at his old department before he came here. They have a long working history and the Chief prepared a kick ass statement backing up hubs.
I'm glum and self-loathing. Yes, I do sound like a miserable person because lately I AM a miserable person. And after feeling so good about unloading on hubs and his selfishness, I realized, darn. The poor guy is just trying to do something for himself and I just ripped him a new one.
I keep praying for strength and faith and perseverance. I don't want to understand, I just want to get through all of this. I know that's incomplete thinking, but I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.