So. I'm not proud, but I won't lie. I had what I can only refer to as a complete meltdown last night. In front of my kids. Wow. I am ashamed.
I've been really lonely and overwhelmed juggling all of the pressure of motherhood and going it alone.
Nothing out of the ordinary I suppose, it just pushed me a little harder yesterday than it has in a while.
The kids were picking at each other and when one was quiet (doing something he shouldn't be), the little one yells from the other room, "Momma, come wipe me." The Dude was talking a mile a minute asking me questions like, "What is barometric pressure" and "How many degrees Ferenheit is 29 degrees celsius". You and I both know these are not questions you can just spout an answer to while picking up the laundry pile with your toes when simultaneously leaning over to wipe the behind of your littlest one!
The house is a disaster, I fed the kids leftovers (gasp, for some reason I decided last night this makes me a bad mom), I forgot to put the sheets in the dryer so (again, horrible mom) I had to put the kids to bed with the wrong bedsheets.... I know, you're asking WHY IS THIS A CRISIS?
I don't know. I guess sometimes I just feel like a single parent. I don't know how my dad ever did it. By 9pm I was ready to squeeze a lemon in their eyes!
I just need to figure out some sort of routine for my sanity (and for the kids). I have all of these great intentions about dinner or activities, but when I go to do them I find that my tank is empty and my butt is dragging three miles behind me.
It's HARD managing everything without help, ALL THE TIME.
The Dude heard me crying (which I never do) and he sat down with me and talked about how he didn't realize how much I need help doing things around the house. He said, "I'm 10 years old mom. I should be helping you more. I promise to do better on chores and helping with my little brother."
I was really proud of him and completely shocked at his maturity. I gave him big hugs and apologized for crying in front of him and getting upset.
Maybe it's just PMS. Being a female sucks sometimes.
I miss the days when hubs would come through the door and crawl into bed next to me and wrap me up first thing. I miss the days when I could go meet him for dinner even if he was on duty or when he could stop home to grab a plate of dinner I actually made from scratch.
After the kids go to bed, I find myself on the couch, exhausted and emotional, missing hubs - wanting him to get home before I fall asleep so I can actually see his face.