What You're Made Of

Today... ahem,... Today...

Today is one of those days.

I think I have become well acquainted with the ugly side of being a police wife. I've babbled on about kids and work and all the daily grind. But you haven't heard me go on a tirade about the real struggles of my life.

While I don't believe in airing dirty laundry in any public forum, I'm going to dump like hell on my blog today.

I've seen my husband survive false accusations, a forced resignation, a criminal trial and all the starting over that comes with it.

I used to have these grand ideas about what it's like being a police officer. Now that I'm married to it, I hate it some days. I've seen how quickly one person can ruin someones career, their life, the lives of their families..

and without consequence.

I have many struggles related to this topic, however I have a few which are controlling me right now and it's driving me mad.

During the non-incident that somebody decided to make into an incident, I was there and so were our kids. Our eldest has struggled with the following questions:

"But Mom, we told the truth and the other guy is lying. Why aren't the police helping us? Why are they saying Daddy did something wrong? I was there and that guy is lying. I thought Police are supposed to help you and you are supposed to trust them?".

I have tried repeatedly to encourage our son to always tell the truth and to always trust the police. Police officers will help you when you are in trouble and you can always tell them things when you need someone to trust, even if it's something you can't tell your parents or another grown up.

But the damage is done. It's evolving from our son trusting and respecting the police to him not liking them at all. He definitely doesn't trust them. He has said to me, "If you can't trust the police, who can you trust?".

I'm so resentful, not sure toward who, but I feel like a part of my ability to parent has been taken away by all this. I can't guide my son with words or even my own actions because his view of the police has now been tainted. I'm really trying and will continue to do so, but it's heartbreaking. This situation has taken away my ability to make my son feel protected and to help him have confidence in the police.

We've survived what could have been financial disaster, we've survived loss of insurance, pension and livelihood. We've survived a complete and total invasion of privacy, even having our address printed in local media. And worse than any of these is the damage to our pride.

These are the times when you find out what you're made of.

Now we are waiting to find out if hubs' license to be an officer is going to be subject to disciplinary action.

I have resigned myself to the fact that if he does lose his license, I will accept it. I have decided to tell myself it's the good Lord's way of keeping him out of harm's way.

God knows he has lived a life of public service. Those whose lives have been touched by him will never forget, and neither will he.

I will close today's post with a letter from one of those folks.

Dear XXXXXX,

I am writing you today because you hold the future of a young man in your hands. I was not there when the incident occurred between X and (hubs), so it is hard for me to render a view of what transpired. I certainly am in no position to contradict the testimony or the work of the prosecution for this case. What I can attest to is the character and demeanor of (hubs).

You see, I was there the day my adopted daughter attempted suicide. She was a minority child and a victim of years of physical, sexual and psychological abuse before my wife and I adopted her. There were many problems, but on that day, she attempted to break out a second story window and jump out of it onto a solid concrete slab. I was shattered and upset when I called XXXX police agency. The officer who arrived first on the scene was (hubs). I was trying to restrain this highly emotional teenager desparately trying to harm herself and me. The (hubs) I know is the one who calmly took control of the situation, quieted the young girl, and helped me with the most caring compassion and kindness I had ever experienced in my life. He did not know it at first, but then he realized who I was.

I have known (hubs) for over twenty years. After he grew up and became a policeman I rarely saw him, until the day he came to help my daughter and me. All his young years he was a quiet fellow with a great sense of humor and willingness to help others. He became a proud member of the police department, a husband and a father. I always knew him to be respectful and honest.

I understand the stresses of everyday life as we all do. I also realize mistakes are made, but conflict is not always bad. At times, we can learn from our indiscretions and grow from them. I know (hubs) will do the same. Whatever happened that day was not the norm for this young man. on the contrary, I have seen and want you to know, he is a good young man and very deserving of a chance to move on with his life, his children and his community. To take (hubs) from his family would be a grave injustice. I would implore you to consider not only my brief account of (hubs') compassion, but the years of service he gave to the community - the unsung and unreported deeds of kindness and care for others.

Sincerely,

MR. X