The past month has been hectic, if not insane. Lots of good times with the hubs in the land of the living, the kids with a million things running us in different directions and general, overall happiness. (I know, you couldn't tell from my previous post last month, right?!)
Things are changing. Mostly for the better. It is so nice to have a few months under our belts without the stress of all the job and legal b.s. I suppose the stress that comes with being a police wife is always there, but everyday things pale in comparison to what we were going through previously!
For those who don't know... we are officially expecting baby number 4! The weirdos in the doctor's office hounded me with all the questions like, "Oh you must be trying for a girl finally!" and "I'll bet after all of those boys you really want a girl!" and of course the typical, "I'm guessing after this one you are DONE?" and "Don't you know what causes that?".
Seriously, I had no idea four kids is considered a gigantic family these days! WTH? I didn't put in the time or effort to really answer any of them. I just smiled and thought, "Oh if I could punch you in the throat...".
I mentioned in passing a while back that we moved. We have been taking care of things with our old house to get it ready for sale. It is actually quite comical that we moved when we did, seeing that I am pregnant again! The Lord works in mysterious ways. Anyhow, the old house has had a new drain system and sump pump installed and is getting a new roof on Tuesday. Then we are having new windows put in and having the fence updated. For those of you who have magical powers and special abilities, please pray or do something to help us get it sold. The sale money is going to help buy me a (can hardly get it out of my mouth).... VAN.
I asked the hubs what would be wrong with us taking two cars everywhere after the baby arrives, but he didn't think this idea was very cute. I have no choice. Unless I am completely overlooking some kind of vehicle that seats 7-ish? (Ok not gonna lie, I just had to stop and count how many kids I have, er, well-will have.. yikes). I suppose a Suburban or something could do, but I really don't want to spend that kind of money!!
Anyhow, thank sweet baby Jesus I still have over 500 size 1 diapers that Quinn never used, that I kept all of my maternity clothes, and that I still have ALL of the baby clothes and gear. It's quite possibly the first time things are going right from the start!
Just wanted to post this update since it's been over a month since I've written anything.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Run For It
I'm having one of those days where I could just chuck my phone out the window and make a run for the border. I am so crabby and pissed off today it isn't anywhere close to funny.
Yes, it's another day in blissdom. Today marks the start of 12 hour dayshifts for a month. That's one good thing, I suppose, in a whole mess of b.s.
I'm having issues. Major issues today, and really the past couple of days.
We are supposed to be going out of state for a big music deal for the kids in a few weeks. We go every year. I started reminding hubs about it months ago so he could put in for the time off (it's only one weekend). Back at the beginning of the year he told me he put in for it in writing, but with the switch to the new systems and the 12 hour shifts, they also had to put in for it electronically. -Um, so?
Now that the date is quickly approaching, he keeps telling me he isn't sure if he is going to get the time off or not because he hasn't heard back from his Sgt. Now, I know I am probably being a major bitch. I do that very well, sometimes. BUT- what I'm really miffed about is the fact that he is so ho-hum about it... like he doesn't give a sh*t.
Something deeeeep down is really bothering me about it. Like he'd rather have that whole weekend to himself while I travel out of town with three small children and manage all of them during one of the biggest music events in the country. And then... it all just honestly brings me back to days of yore. You know, the ones when he was cheating on me? Yeah.
Even though that was a loooong time ago, and even though things have been better than good between us for many years now, I cannot help but get angry and insecure when he acts like this. Or maybe I should say, when something like this pops up.
What set me off was the tone in his voice on the phone today when I asked him if he had checked with the Sgt. In what sounded like a total bullsh*t answer, he told me the Sgt. is in court the rest of the afternoon. To boot, he just acted irritated at the very idea of having to go with me/us out of town. He made it a big deal that he had 8 car break-ins a couple of hours ago (which I am sure is a pain in the butt), but that doesn't give him the right to talk like an ass to me.
It probably isn't helping that I am sick as hell with what feels like pneumonia, the baby won't stop crying today and I've got kids that require me to be in two different places at the same time this evening.. and we will get home just in time for hubs to miss ALL of the responsibility.
Yes, I am feeling angry and frustrated... resentful, pissed off, etc. If I didn't blog about it, I think I'd end up going into hiding or something.
Gotta go pick up the baby again.
Yes, it's another day in blissdom. Today marks the start of 12 hour dayshifts for a month. That's one good thing, I suppose, in a whole mess of b.s.
I'm having issues. Major issues today, and really the past couple of days.
We are supposed to be going out of state for a big music deal for the kids in a few weeks. We go every year. I started reminding hubs about it months ago so he could put in for the time off (it's only one weekend). Back at the beginning of the year he told me he put in for it in writing, but with the switch to the new systems and the 12 hour shifts, they also had to put in for it electronically. -Um, so?
Now that the date is quickly approaching, he keeps telling me he isn't sure if he is going to get the time off or not because he hasn't heard back from his Sgt. Now, I know I am probably being a major bitch. I do that very well, sometimes. BUT- what I'm really miffed about is the fact that he is so ho-hum about it... like he doesn't give a sh*t.
Something deeeeep down is really bothering me about it. Like he'd rather have that whole weekend to himself while I travel out of town with three small children and manage all of them during one of the biggest music events in the country. And then... it all just honestly brings me back to days of yore. You know, the ones when he was cheating on me? Yeah.
Even though that was a loooong time ago, and even though things have been better than good between us for many years now, I cannot help but get angry and insecure when he acts like this. Or maybe I should say, when something like this pops up.
What set me off was the tone in his voice on the phone today when I asked him if he had checked with the Sgt. In what sounded like a total bullsh*t answer, he told me the Sgt. is in court the rest of the afternoon. To boot, he just acted irritated at the very idea of having to go with me/us out of town. He made it a big deal that he had 8 car break-ins a couple of hours ago (which I am sure is a pain in the butt), but that doesn't give him the right to talk like an ass to me.
It probably isn't helping that I am sick as hell with what feels like pneumonia, the baby won't stop crying today and I've got kids that require me to be in two different places at the same time this evening.. and we will get home just in time for hubs to miss ALL of the responsibility.
Yes, I am feeling angry and frustrated... resentful, pissed off, etc. If I didn't blog about it, I think I'd end up going into hiding or something.
Gotta go pick up the baby again.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
What It Is?
I am so ready for tomorrow to get here. My best friend and her hubby are coming in town from across the state. My kids will finally have someone to bug besides me! I will have another adult to talk to! Her hubby will be riding with my hubby at work.. this should be interesting :).
Hubs has been totally rocking it at work.. locking up crazy bitches who shoot at ex-boyfriends, runs over the new girlfriend, takes out telephone poles. He's gotten a lot of guns and drugs this week and has worked two arsons. Coolio. Me.. This past week has sucked the life out of me. What did I do with my copious amounts of free time? Ahem.. let me tell you.
I have dealt with homeowner's insurance people, insurance adjusters, roof people, waterproof people... the list goes on. We moved across town a while back into a bigger place as a temporary thing. We have kept our "old" house with the intention of building onto it and moving back. It's where our kids were born - call us sentimental.
We had some intense storms and tornadoes here last month and with that our roof was ruined. I learned this week that what I thought would be a simple, common process is NOT simple at all. I learned that thinking of a figure in my head to cover all necessary expenses was stupid.. because the actual amount required for just ONE of the necessary projects turned out to be SIX times more expensive than that little figure I had in my head. Holy shizz!
We had water damage as well, which revealed an ages old mold problem we never knew we had - which came from the previous owner who flat LIED to us about it apparently. Ugh.. I hate to even write about all of it. This week has been a $10,000 week. And it's only Wednesday.
I am certain that God hates me. No, really. I'm not looking for cute reassurance. That's not a question there. That's a statement. He hates me. For real.
Not sure what I did, but it sure would be nice if life could just back off with the crap sandwiches for a bit. I'm starting to understand why people go postal. Clearly some powers that be like to see me live on the edge. I keep looking for the candid camera, or thinking I'm on punk'd.
Please baby Jesus. Give me a break- before I break!!!
I have a bottle of strawberry stoli, a case of 7-up and a best friend who's on her way. I think things are about to turn the corner.
Hoping the hubs has a good night at work because he sure was a crabass this morning!! Whew.
End woe-is-me rant.
Hubs has been totally rocking it at work.. locking up crazy bitches who shoot at ex-boyfriends, runs over the new girlfriend, takes out telephone poles. He's gotten a lot of guns and drugs this week and has worked two arsons. Coolio. Me.. This past week has sucked the life out of me. What did I do with my copious amounts of free time? Ahem.. let me tell you.
I have dealt with homeowner's insurance people, insurance adjusters, roof people, waterproof people... the list goes on. We moved across town a while back into a bigger place as a temporary thing. We have kept our "old" house with the intention of building onto it and moving back. It's where our kids were born - call us sentimental.
We had some intense storms and tornadoes here last month and with that our roof was ruined. I learned this week that what I thought would be a simple, common process is NOT simple at all. I learned that thinking of a figure in my head to cover all necessary expenses was stupid.. because the actual amount required for just ONE of the necessary projects turned out to be SIX times more expensive than that little figure I had in my head. Holy shizz!
We had water damage as well, which revealed an ages old mold problem we never knew we had - which came from the previous owner who flat LIED to us about it apparently. Ugh.. I hate to even write about all of it. This week has been a $10,000 week. And it's only Wednesday.
I am certain that God hates me. No, really. I'm not looking for cute reassurance. That's not a question there. That's a statement. He hates me. For real.
Not sure what I did, but it sure would be nice if life could just back off with the crap sandwiches for a bit. I'm starting to understand why people go postal. Clearly some powers that be like to see me live on the edge. I keep looking for the candid camera, or thinking I'm on punk'd.
Please baby Jesus. Give me a break- before I break!!!
I have a bottle of strawberry stoli, a case of 7-up and a best friend who's on her way. I think things are about to turn the corner.
Hoping the hubs has a good night at work because he sure was a crabass this morning!! Whew.
End woe-is-me rant.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Do I or Don't I?
The time is upon us... erm, wait. How do I begin this post?
Quinn is almost 10 months old. He is adorable. He is fun. He is so stinking lovable. He is amazing. He is wonderful. All three of our boys are wonderful.
Hubs is dying to have another (actually another *several*). I, in so many ways, LOVE this idea. But that's the thing. Do I understand the reality of this? I came to terms with the fact that going from 2 children to 3 children was the biggest adjustment of my life. Some days I think "I've got my hands full already, so, meh, what the hell?". Other days I think things like, "I am getting wayyy too old for this. Physically it's harder, emotionally it's harder to do by myself and sleep is far more precious now than in my younger days!" And quite frankly, plenty of days I actually say to myself, "Wow, what a failure (sort of jokingly) I am today. I suck at this!"
Hubs gets so frustrated when I share the bad stuff with him and he gently reminds me that raising kids and managing a house is hard to do alone, even with only one child. He reminds me that he is proud of me, that he appreciates me, and that above all, the kids and I are the most important things in his life. We are his greatest source of joy. I like this part because then he starts listing off the things I never think he notices or cares much about (like always making sure there is food in the crockpot for him at any given hour, I make sure he has clean drawers ;), etc.)
He also takes time to point out how rotten our children are sometimes and highlights the fact that I have more grace than I give myself credit for. He tells me to stop blaming myself for the hundreds of things the kids do on any given day that cause frustration. He tells me I am not a bad mom, that kids are a challenge and especially when they know how to wear a person down until they have no fight left to be the enforcer and daddy's not home!
All of these conversations help me love him more, but especially help me love myself more. I genuinely love being a mother. Not to go psychological here, but I never got to have a close relationship with my mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I was raised by a single dad, until he died when I was 14. I never got to have a morning where I woke up and my parents were in the kitchen making breakfast.. or looking into the crowd at one of my sporting events to see both of my parents cheering me on, together. I don't even have to go into the holidays and how I don't have a single memory of a Christmas or Thanksgiving with both parents. I'm sure I sound like a million other people in the world, but to me, I promised myself that I would create those memories for my kids. I also vowed that my family would be my number one priority in life. I know I will never be rich, but know that my life will be fulfilled by the years of memories with my husband and children.
I became a mother at 22. If I had another baby-RIGHT NOW-I would have raised a child at home, under my roof, for THIRTY YEARS by the time the new baby graduated high school. Sometimes I worry that there would never again be "alone time" for the hubs and me. There again, we don't have that anyway with his schedule and the children we already have!
I know that my children have caused more self-realization and self-reflection than anything else I have ever experienced. I love them for that. Although it doesn't seem like it on an average basis, I know they make me a better person and help me find more love than I ever knew I had in me. When I think about the fact that the ability to have more babies is diminishing more quickly than I care to acknowledge, it makes me stop and ask myself; "Would I be ok with it if I COULDN'T have another?"
Guess it's time to talk to big man. (And no, I don't mean the hubs!)
Quinn is almost 10 months old. He is adorable. He is fun. He is so stinking lovable. He is amazing. He is wonderful. All three of our boys are wonderful.
Hubs is dying to have another (actually another *several*). I, in so many ways, LOVE this idea. But that's the thing. Do I understand the reality of this? I came to terms with the fact that going from 2 children to 3 children was the biggest adjustment of my life. Some days I think "I've got my hands full already, so, meh, what the hell?". Other days I think things like, "I am getting wayyy too old for this. Physically it's harder, emotionally it's harder to do by myself and sleep is far more precious now than in my younger days!" And quite frankly, plenty of days I actually say to myself, "Wow, what a failure (sort of jokingly) I am today. I suck at this!"
Hubs gets so frustrated when I share the bad stuff with him and he gently reminds me that raising kids and managing a house is hard to do alone, even with only one child. He reminds me that he is proud of me, that he appreciates me, and that above all, the kids and I are the most important things in his life. We are his greatest source of joy. I like this part because then he starts listing off the things I never think he notices or cares much about (like always making sure there is food in the crockpot for him at any given hour, I make sure he has clean drawers ;), etc.)
He also takes time to point out how rotten our children are sometimes and highlights the fact that I have more grace than I give myself credit for. He tells me to stop blaming myself for the hundreds of things the kids do on any given day that cause frustration. He tells me I am not a bad mom, that kids are a challenge and especially when they know how to wear a person down until they have no fight left to be the enforcer and daddy's not home!
All of these conversations help me love him more, but especially help me love myself more. I genuinely love being a mother. Not to go psychological here, but I never got to have a close relationship with my mother. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I was raised by a single dad, until he died when I was 14. I never got to have a morning where I woke up and my parents were in the kitchen making breakfast.. or looking into the crowd at one of my sporting events to see both of my parents cheering me on, together. I don't even have to go into the holidays and how I don't have a single memory of a Christmas or Thanksgiving with both parents. I'm sure I sound like a million other people in the world, but to me, I promised myself that I would create those memories for my kids. I also vowed that my family would be my number one priority in life. I know I will never be rich, but know that my life will be fulfilled by the years of memories with my husband and children.
I became a mother at 22. If I had another baby-RIGHT NOW-I would have raised a child at home, under my roof, for THIRTY YEARS by the time the new baby graduated high school. Sometimes I worry that there would never again be "alone time" for the hubs and me. There again, we don't have that anyway with his schedule and the children we already have!
I know that my children have caused more self-realization and self-reflection than anything else I have ever experienced. I love them for that. Although it doesn't seem like it on an average basis, I know they make me a better person and help me find more love than I ever knew I had in me. When I think about the fact that the ability to have more babies is diminishing more quickly than I care to acknowledge, it makes me stop and ask myself; "Would I be ok with it if I COULDN'T have another?"
Guess it's time to talk to big man. (And no, I don't mean the hubs!)
Monday, February 27, 2012
March Midnight Madness
And so it begins... how quickly a month of days flew by. Midnight month is upon us, with tonight being night number 1. I dread this day. We took a nice little vacation over the weekend just to enjoy being a family for three days before the hubs headed to work tonight. It was great being together.
I have tried very hard this past month to put measures in place which will hopefully help me get and/or keep myself together THIS month while I go it alone. I have had serious issues keeping my sh*t together. I thought back on things and realized it mostly started to unravel when Quinn was born in May.
I used to be one of those weirdo women who had everything perfectly mapped out, with planners, schedules, highlighted calendars, tabbed binders with more information than anyone would ever need to retain.. and a steel trap memory to go with all of that. I could tell you what you said during lunch last Tuesday, as well as what you were wearing and what you ate.
I know that is quite overboard, and nobody needs that amount of organization or memory, but- it is very missed now that it is gone. I have found myself struggling to get through ordinary every day stuff without forgetting, overlooking or getting completely distracted. My stress level skyrockets when I get interrupted, which is ALL THE TIME now that I have three boys pulling me three different directions!
We have moved into a house with tons more space, which means I was able to stake an office area for myself. This is helping tremendously as well.
As for managing the house, I have pulled myself together and gotten much more organized as far as getting things where they need to be. I have all of my dorky binders with color-coding and special pocket dividers put back together and organized. I have my meals planned out for the month and most already prepared and frozen, ready to throw in the oven or the crockpot.
It feels soo much better living like this. The challenge will be sticking with it and not getting distracted or interrupted and letting it fall apart again!!
I think the pressure to perform (as lame as that sounds) is definitely a stress factor for me. I would find all this guilt in not doing enough every day. If I made dinner, I'd feel guilty for not paying enough attention to the kids. If I caught up the laundry, I felt like it took too much time away from other things I could've been doing. I would drive myself insane thinking this way. Then the worst part is, I'd wait until all the kids were in bed and THEN try to do EVERYTHING. I'd be awake until 3am, baby would be up at 6, The Dude would be up at 7 and hubs would be home at 7:30... then Mr. Pants would be up and ready for breakfast. I was a zombie and am still catching up on sleep from this madness.
I am trying not to tackle too much each day, just setting the expectation that I can get through two or three things. Hoping this helps overall, but especially during midnights this month. At least the days are getting longer and the sun is shining more. Can't complain about that.
As for my friends, my best friend is coming in from across the state on the 24th! Her hubs is a K9 officer and will be riding with hubs on their first night here. This should be interesting :). I have her visit to look forward to and prepare for these next few weeks!
We WILL survive the 7-7!!!
Hope y'all are hanging in.
I have tried very hard this past month to put measures in place which will hopefully help me get and/or keep myself together THIS month while I go it alone. I have had serious issues keeping my sh*t together. I thought back on things and realized it mostly started to unravel when Quinn was born in May.
I used to be one of those weirdo women who had everything perfectly mapped out, with planners, schedules, highlighted calendars, tabbed binders with more information than anyone would ever need to retain.. and a steel trap memory to go with all of that. I could tell you what you said during lunch last Tuesday, as well as what you were wearing and what you ate.
I know that is quite overboard, and nobody needs that amount of organization or memory, but- it is very missed now that it is gone. I have found myself struggling to get through ordinary every day stuff without forgetting, overlooking or getting completely distracted. My stress level skyrockets when I get interrupted, which is ALL THE TIME now that I have three boys pulling me three different directions!
We have moved into a house with tons more space, which means I was able to stake an office area for myself. This is helping tremendously as well.
As for managing the house, I have pulled myself together and gotten much more organized as far as getting things where they need to be. I have all of my dorky binders with color-coding and special pocket dividers put back together and organized. I have my meals planned out for the month and most already prepared and frozen, ready to throw in the oven or the crockpot.
It feels soo much better living like this. The challenge will be sticking with it and not getting distracted or interrupted and letting it fall apart again!!
I think the pressure to perform (as lame as that sounds) is definitely a stress factor for me. I would find all this guilt in not doing enough every day. If I made dinner, I'd feel guilty for not paying enough attention to the kids. If I caught up the laundry, I felt like it took too much time away from other things I could've been doing. I would drive myself insane thinking this way. Then the worst part is, I'd wait until all the kids were in bed and THEN try to do EVERYTHING. I'd be awake until 3am, baby would be up at 6, The Dude would be up at 7 and hubs would be home at 7:30... then Mr. Pants would be up and ready for breakfast. I was a zombie and am still catching up on sleep from this madness.
I am trying not to tackle too much each day, just setting the expectation that I can get through two or three things. Hoping this helps overall, but especially during midnights this month. At least the days are getting longer and the sun is shining more. Can't complain about that.
As for my friends, my best friend is coming in from across the state on the 24th! Her hubs is a K9 officer and will be riding with hubs on their first night here. This should be interesting :). I have her visit to look forward to and prepare for these next few weeks!
We WILL survive the 7-7!!!
Hope y'all are hanging in.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Jesus Lady (A different lady this time)
Tonight.. sigh... was one of those nights. Hubs was working his 12 hour day shift. All was well. His family all came over to my house to watch the super bowl. It seemed like a nice idea. I love them.
I quickly learned that what seemed like it was going to be great turned out to be rough for me. Why? Hm, let's see. A blaring tv for four hours straight. Everyone trying to yell over the loud tv for four hours straight.
I was trying to cook in the kitchen, watch the baby (who you cannot take your eyes off of) out in the great room, Mr. Pants interrupted me for applesauce six times, the phone ringing, oven timers going off. It was downward spiraling. BUT, I foolishly thought, "Hm, hubs will be leaving work in fifteen minutes so it will be ok.".
And then she died. I didn't know her. Some poor 41 yr old female who was insulin dependent diabetic. She was in bed. Her whole family walked in from getting fried chicken and found she had passed on.
Upon hearing this tragic news, I looked to the heavens and asked, "Couldn't you have waited 15 more minutes?".
Yes, I know I am going to hell. I don't need anyone reminding me.
He made it home an hour late. He ate, chatted with his family until they left - and is currently passed out cold on the floor in front of the fireplace. I should go kick him. Hmmph.
I quickly learned that what seemed like it was going to be great turned out to be rough for me. Why? Hm, let's see. A blaring tv for four hours straight. Everyone trying to yell over the loud tv for four hours straight.
I was trying to cook in the kitchen, watch the baby (who you cannot take your eyes off of) out in the great room, Mr. Pants interrupted me for applesauce six times, the phone ringing, oven timers going off. It was downward spiraling. BUT, I foolishly thought, "Hm, hubs will be leaving work in fifteen minutes so it will be ok.".
And then she died. I didn't know her. Some poor 41 yr old female who was insulin dependent diabetic. She was in bed. Her whole family walked in from getting fried chicken and found she had passed on.
Upon hearing this tragic news, I looked to the heavens and asked, "Couldn't you have waited 15 more minutes?".
Yes, I know I am going to hell. I don't need anyone reminding me.
He made it home an hour late. He ate, chatted with his family until they left - and is currently passed out cold on the floor in front of the fireplace. I should go kick him. Hmmph.
New Toy
Ok so I had to share... new toy! Sig Sauer P238 blue label .380! LOVE IT. Cannot say enough good things about it! Perfect size, perfect everything. I'm in Loooooove! Taking it out tomorrow for some fun :)
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